Tea Party

Racists love the tea.

Black lawmakers say 'tea party' protesters used racial epithets

Saturday, March 20, 2010; 6:12 PM

A Nasty Monday Surprise

Earlier tonight I thought I'd have a regular Monday night workout at the gym. I expected the normal Monday unpleasantness -- a little extra crowding -- every bench being monopolized by meat heads trying to make their chests look like baboon asses. But tonight, another unpleasantness lurked in the locker room. Someone had a very bad night indeed, but how rude of him to scare so many other people, by leaving his shitty underwear in a locker. I'm sorry he totaled his shorts, but how uncool to leave his briefs with a wet doodoo pie center like a booby trap in an unlocked locker.

Victoria's Secret

I recently took a shopping trip to the Victoria's Secret at Ala Moana Shopping Center that opened a few months ago. As soon as I walked through the front door, the sheer amount of the color pink made me feel confused and out of my element. After walking around and looking confused for a few minutes, a friendly sales woman took pity on the stupid look on my face and explained everything to me that I needed to know to confidently shop confidently navigate my way around the store's frilly inventory. After already feeling like the most special customer of the day, another sales woman brought me a shopping bag so I wouldn't have to embarrass my self with fist fulls of sexy undergarments. They really know how to make it easy for a guy. I left happy and wishing they made stuff for men.

Spelt Pasta

Anyone who's tried fresh pasta at an Italian restaurant knows it has a unique texture that can't be found in dried pasta. I've seen fresh pasta in my local grocery store, but finding it in the whole grain variety isn't as easy as in the refined flour variety. I love the fresh pasta texture, but it would just not be GAINZ to eat too much refined flour. That's why I recently broke out my pasta maker and came up with a a nice whole wheat and spelt flour egg white noodle.

Making fresh pasta is a little labor intensive, but getting a nice fresh pasta texture as well as the freedom to incorporate a variety of interesting whole grains make the extra work well worth it.

The noodles pictured to the right are made from half a cup each of spelt flour and whole wheat flour, as well as two egg whites. Just throw the flour in a bowl and mix it together, then toss in the egg whites and knead it into a thick dough. It should be as dense and thick like bread dough. The humidity in my kitchen was perfect for this dough, but if your dough just won't come together, you can sprinkle in a little bit of water.

Follow the instructions on your pasta maker to produce your noodles. This dough is intended to go through the makers that run the dough through two rollers, not an extruder. I like to roll this pasta out into a sheet of medium thickness before cutting it into linguine.

Cook it in a large pot of boiling water for about two minutes. Mushy pasta sucks, so watch your cooking time. Fresh pasta overcooks very quickly. It would be a shame to put all the labor into your pasta, only to end up with a pot of wet oatmeal.

throw your cooked pasta into your preferred sauce and toss it together. I used some lean turkey chili in the photo.

Fresh pasta can be a difficult task, but if you put in the time, you'll find that it's well worth the effort.

Pumpkins!

Another one I wrote for cafeGAINZ

I'm sure many people already know that November and December are a great time to grab a cheap frozen turkey. It's great animal protein that's great for GAINZ in the physical and financial sense. But when you pick up your turkey, check that produce section. According to a sign I saw next to the pumpkin puree, there's some kind of pumpkin shortage, but my store still had cheap fresh pumpkins in the produce section, well under a dollar a pound.

Besides providing a delicious pie filling, pumpkins also pack lutein, beta carotene, zinc in the seeds, and enough fiber to stimulate a pleasant session on the toilet.

Of course most pumpkins are too big to eat at once, so they need to be broken down to a form that can be used for multiple preparations. first, cut the pumpkin into eight wedges, which are then placed in a cake pan or casserole dish with about an inch of water. Stick that in a 350 degree oven for thirty minutes, or until the pumpkin it thoroughly cooked.

Once you get the pumpkin wedges cooked, you can use the pumpkin in multiple dishes as you would use any precooked vegetable (I hope you already eat your vegetables.) I'm sure most of my audience already eats their vegetables, but if you're hurting for an example, I like to replace my normal broccoli with some of my pumpkins in my fried brown rice.



Much like tofu, pumpkin is also an unlikely excellent smoothie main ingredient. Here's how I drink my pumpkin. It's like a blender full of wet pumpkin pie that you won't need to burn off during cardio.

1 serving of vanilla protein powder
5 large ice cubes
1/4 tsp of pumpkin pie seasoning
Sweetener to taste (I like sucralose or agave syrup)
Cold water

I just throw it all in the blender and turn it on. I don't like runny smoothies, so I add just enough water for my blender to render a homogeneous and thick liquid. Quite honestly, it looks like baby food, so no picture.

November and December are a great opportunity to pick up some GAINZ friendly foods at a great price. Best of all, they'll help you free up some extra cash.

I wrote the following piece for cafeGainz. Check out the site

I'm sure many gym users are used to the occasional unpleasantness of a weird overweight guy sitting bare-assed on a locker room bench staring at passers by; but when I started working out downtown near my office, I was happy to find a locker room where people were just stopping in to make GAINZ around their work schedules. It was an environment where I thought I'd never see locker room exhibitionists. It was like an elevated state of locker room.

That all came to an end a few weeks ago. I had just finished cramming a workout into my lunch break and was grabbing things out of my locker. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something fluttering. I wish I hadn't turned my head to see what it was, but I did. As I turned my gaze towards the fluttering in my peripheral vision, I saw something that made me realize this downtown gym wasn't as classy as I thought. This guy had one foot on a bench, like a Captain Morgan ad. The fluttering was his hand, flinging around a towel in his crotch like he was strumming a guitar. It was an aggressive display of exhibitionism. Most aggressively of all, he was standing in a corner in front of the only television in this tiny locker room. Any poor sucker who turned around after hearing something cool on CNN would have been a victim.

Showing off to yourself in the mirror is sometimes unavoidable in the locker room. Sometimes I can't even help myself. But tricking people into looking at your junk in the locker room is never okay.

Weird Dude at the Gym

A weird dude really made the downtown 24 hour fitness locker room feel like a bath house the other day. As I was walking out, the dude was standing naked in front of a tv (probably because he knew people would look there when they heard the tv), one foot up on the bench with his hand flailing around his crotch. I can only assume he was zealously drying off his nether regions...at least that's what he wanted people to think. I hope he gets kicked out.